


for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return

by adadshi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bathing/Washing, Canon Compliant, Catholic Character, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Established Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Face Punching, Father Figures, Galaxy Garrison, Gen, Kerberos Mission, Mentions of Other Voltron Paladins, Minor Original Character(s), Nicknames, Parent Death, Religious Content, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, focused on Adam and Keith's relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23098399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adadshi/pseuds/adadshi
Summary: Through the howling wind, I heard an engine. It was getting closer and closer until it finally stopped. I peeked out to the mouth of the cave through my fingers. A man was standing there. The dust parted for him.The man crouched down beside me and took off his thick jacket. He used it as a curtain to shield us from the storm.“Oh, mucky pup.” He tutted. “My name is Adam. Come with me.”
Relationships: Adam & Keith (Voltron), Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Keith & Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide attempts, self harm, child abuse, smoking, starvation, vomiting, punching, major character death. 
> 
> I'm just really passionate about Adam and Keith's relationship but I can't help sprinkling in some of my own issues rip.

My father was a devout Christian, a real holy guy. There must’ve been a dozen crucifixes in our house with Jesus’ skin painted an unnaturally rosy pink. On Fridays, we fasted and we went to church every Sunday to receive the host.

I remember I fell ill once when I was a child. I had no energy. My body was both boiling hot and freezing cold. My father sat beside me on our bed and read from the bible while combing his fingers through my greasy hair. It hadn’t been washed in days.

“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” He read to me. Genesis 3:19, I can still recite it perfectly all these years later. I loved Genesis up until chapter three. That was when things went downhill for humanity.

“What does that mean?” I asked. My voice was weak.

He answered, “Adam ate the forbidden fruit of knowledge of good and evil. His sin has humanity cursed forever. We labour through life, always feeling sweat on our brow as we work to make bread and food and the things we need to survive. And then we die. Adam was made from dust, he dies and returns to the dust.”

It was a lot for a nine-year-old to hear, but it was delivered at the right time. My father was killed in a house fire four months later. When I was given the jar of his ashes, I spread them out in the desert where our home once stood.

I cried a lot when he died. Social services wanted me placed in a new home immediately, but I ran off into the desert and hid in a cave for three days. For the first time in my life, I was alone. The cave was damp and dreary but I knew that it was good to stay sheltered. The desert was prone to kicking up killer sandstorms. On my third day alone, one of these storms started. It was purely bad luck that the wind blew the sand into my cave. I crouched down low with my hands covering my face. I felt like I was going to die.

Through the howling wind, I heard an engine. It was getting closer and closer until it finally stopped. I peeked out to the mouth of the cave through my fingers. A man was standing there. The dust parted for him. 

The man crouched down beside me and took off his thick jacket. He used it as a curtain to shield us from the storm.

“Oh, mucky puppy.” He tutted. “My name is Adam. Come with me.”

That was the first time I met Adam. He took me from the cave and into a big car. He drove through the stormy desert until we reached the city. It was calm here, the darkness was comforting. Adam was very concentrated when he drove but he sometimes took his eyes off the road to glance at me. He probably found me weird for staring at him. I was in awe of him. Adam, from the dust. Just like Genesis said. 

Adam brought me to his home first. It was a nice semi-detached building with a big backyard. While I was in the bathtub, I imagined a golden dog running around in the grass. I wondered if Adam had any pets.

“Hey, cover your eyes, Keith.” Adam poured a jug of water over my head, rinsing all the soap suds away.

“How do you know my name?”

“You caused quite a commotion when you ran away from social services. Lots of people have been out searching for you. We were worried.” 

“I was fine alone.” I was quick to defend myself.

“No, you weren’t. Now hands up, let’s get you dried.”

He hummed a special song as he dried me with a fluffy towel. I’d never felt anything so soft in my life. Adam brought me through to the living room and pushed two couches together to create a massive bed. From upstairs he brought down two plush pillows and a fur blanket. He tucked me in and sat down beside me.

“I would’ve given you my bed but my boyfriend is very sick right now. He needs to rest.” He whispered, “Tomorrow morning we’ll get you fed and then off to your social worker. There are lots of nice families that would be glad to have you.”

My heart sunk. I liked it here with Adam. I was already imaging us getting a dog to play in the yard. But I nodded and shut my eyes.

“What will we have for breakfast?”

“Hmm… eggs and soldiers for you, cereal for me. If Takashi is feeling well then he’ll have yoghurt.” 

“Could I have a little bit of yoghurt too?” I never liked asking for things. I peeked up at Adam from through my eyelashes. He was grinning.

“You can have a bit of Takashi’s.” He chuckled, “I’m only upstairs if you need me. Don’t be frightened if you hear noises, it’ll just be me or Takashi. Sweet dreams.”

Adam locked all the doors and windows, turned off all the lights, then went upstairs. I laid on my back and listened to him moving. He and another person spoke for a few moments before everything went silent. There was just the ticking of the grandfather clock on the landing. I listened to it chime every hour. 

Shortly after 4 o’clock, I heard movement upstairs. The bathroom door squeaked open and then there was the sound of vomit hitting water. I winced. 

“Takashi, don’t cry.” I heard Adam say. He turned on a light and a little bit of yellow reached the living room. I blinked tiredly.

“Go back to bed. I’ll be here all night.” Another voice. Takashi. He sounded weak.

“No, I’ll stay with you. Budge over and I’ll hold you.”

It was easy to block out the sound of vomiting. I fell asleep and dreamt that I was back in the bathtub, my arms resting on the side and the big yard before me. 

I woke up to the smell of toast. I sat up in the double-couch bed and saw Adam in the kitchen. His hips were swaying as he danced to a song playing on the radio. On the table, there was a bowl of cereal and an egg in a cup. No yoghurt.

“Good morning. Come get your breakfast.” Adam turned around to smile at me. There were purple bags underneath his eyes. I took one of the pillows and sat with it at the table. Adam put a plate of toast strips in front of me and sat down.

“Did you sleep well?”

I nodded and started to dip the soldiers into my runny egg. I didn’t want to repeat the question to him. I already knew the answer.

“Is your boyfriend better today?” I asked instead. He shrugged.

“He’s still tired.” 

“What do you work as?” My eye was suddenly caught by the countless trophies and certificates in the room. Adam didn’t look like an athlete.

“I’m training to become an aviation teacher at the Garrison. I just graduated last year. Takashi works there too, he’s an astronaut.” 

My eyes widened. The Galaxy Garrison. Even in my small town, the Garrison was a well known and very respectable school. The entrance exam was notoriously difficult and there was a lot of pressure on the cadets to succeed. 

Adam took one spoonful of his cereal and then put the bowl in the sink. I finished the last of my eggs and soldiers. He had my clothes from yesterday cleaned and folded, waiting for me on the kitchen counter. 

“I’m going to grab some things. You get ready and then we’ll set off.” He went upstairs. 

I pulled the kitchen curtains shut and got changed. My clothes were so scratchy, I wished I was wrapped up in that soft towel again. For a moment I considered pouring Adam’s leftover cereal down myself just so I could have another bath, but that would be taking advantage of his kindness. I put the living room back to normal as I waited for him to come back. I thought that all living rooms should have a double-couch bed. It was like a big lovely nest.

Adam returned with a backpack in his hands. 

“Toothbrush, soap, hairbrush…” Adam unzipped the bag and pulled out a black baseball cap. It had the Galaxy Garrison logo embroidered onto the front. He put it on my head, “It’s sunny out today.” 

While Adam started the car up, I stood at the end of the driveway and looked at the house. I wished I could stay forever. I waved goodbye to the house as we drove away. 

Adam dropped me off at the home. I was taken there after my father died but I bolted the moment they started talking about new families. I wouldn’t do that to Adam, though. He talked with the social worker, explaining how he’d found me and cleaned me up. She was very grateful for him.

“We’ve already found you the perfect family, Kyle.” 

“It’s Keith,” Adam said firmly.

“Keith.” She said, “That’s right, yes.”

Before he left, Adam crouched down and looked me in the eye. He smiled.

“Things are going to get better. Just don’t run away again, my car won’t survive another sand storm.” 

“I won’t.”

“Good boy.” He patted my shoulder and stood up. He said goodbye to the social worker and left. I watched him drive away. 

“Alright,” The social worker said, “let’s started with some paperwork, Kyle.” 

My first foster home wasn’t bad. I stayed in a high-up apartment and I had my own room. The woman was very attentive, her name was Ruby and she couldn’t have any children of her own. Her husband was barely ever home. Ruby’s favourite hobby was spending his money. We visited the mall and she bought me everything I laid eyes on. By the end of my three months there, I was developing a taste for caviar. When Ruby’s husband left her and took all his money with him, all of her fine things had to be sent back, including me. 

After that, I went to lots of different places but the experiences are all so similar that I can’t differentiate between each family. Every place had a million kids and two inattentive parents who only fostered for the money. I remember one night I wet the bed and a man burned the end of his cigarette into my chest. I couldn’t stop screaming, it was the worst pain I’d ever felt. I had no idea what was in store.

I was rescued from the cycle by my uncle Roger. He was the spitting image of my father. I had no idea that my father had a brother but I was excited to start living with him. I thought it would be like my old life, with Friday fasting and church on Sundays. 

It was constant fasting. Starvation. The closest I ever came to God was when Roger got angry and pulled me close to him. He always wore a cross on a chain around his neck. When he spat and screamed at me, I would focus on the little silver Jesus. I could never look at Roger’s face because it would be like seeing my father getting angry with me.

Roger sent me to a good school but it came with lots of rules. Every day I had to be home by four o’clock. I couldn’t beg the other kids or teachers for money or food. I wasn’t allowed to do any extracurriculars or join clubs. Most importantly, I couldn’t tell anyone about my life at home. If I broke any of these rules, I would be beaten so badly that it was impossible to move without feeling pain. 

Roger didn’t care about grades, he hit my head so often that he was sure I was stupid. To spite him, I got straight As. He didn’t care but I was proud of myself.

I remember when I first properly met Shiro. He was recruiting potential cadets for the Galaxy Garrison. I instantly recognised his voice. He didn’t mention Adam or the night I stayed in his house, he probably didn’t even remember. But he gave me the confidence to take the Galaxy Garrison entrance exam.

Taking that exam changed my life. I’ll never forget the look on Roger’s face when I told him that I passed with flying colours. In August I’d be moving out to live in the cadet dorms and start studying to become a pilot. I’d see Adam again, too. It had been years since he found me in the desert but I hoped he remembered me. 

In the summer before officially joining the Galaxy Garrison, I spent a lot of time with Shiro. He was like my cool older brother. We went to arcades and spent all of his money trying to break game high scores.

One time we went swimming at the beach. The water was freezing but Shiro dragged me out until my toes could barely touch the sandy ground. I had a fresh cut from Roger’s belt on my lower back and the saltwater burned horribly. I tried my best to smile as Shiro did.

In August when the school year started, all the freshman brought their parents to the Garrison to help them move into the dorms. I had Shiro. He gave me a soft smile and took my backpack from me. It was the same one Adam gave me all those years ago.

“This is all you have?” He asked. I nodded.

Shiro helped me move into my dorm. I was glad that I didn’t have a roommate: my years staying in unsafe homes made me wary about sleeping in the same room with other kids. He was distressed by my lack of personal items. I had a knife, my father’s jacket and a copy of _Lord of the Flies_. I stole it from my last school’s library.

My uniform was already hanging up in the closet. Shiro made me model it for him. He thought I suited orange but I hated it. The blazer was a little bit too big on me so Shiro took it and said, “I’ll ask Adam to fix it. Hey, you should come round for dinner! We have our own place not too far from here.” 

“Yes, please.” I wished I was allowed to accept food just so I could have Adam’s egg and soldiers again. Shiro grinned and started blabbering about how Adam would love me and that he made the loveliest pasta. We agreed to meet at four o’clock and he’d drive me to their home. 

I read my book until three and then went to wait on Shiro. We were both early. His car was a lot messier than Adam’s and he had to free the passenger seat of magazines and papers for me to sit down. I didn’t expect him to be so messy. 

Going to Adam and Shiro’s home in the daytime felt different from going at night. Or maybe Shiro’s loud pop music was what made it different. I think I felt older this time. My foster homes changed me. I wondered if Adam would notice the difference.

He was waiting for us at the door, wearing a big jumper and jeans. He had a different pair of glasses and his hair was parted the other way. He smiled when he saw me.

“Keith, hi.” He said. I just stood there.

“Keith, this is Adam. Oh, we got engaged last month!” Shiro took Adam’s hand and spread it out. He had a golden band on his finger. He smiled and stepped aside to let us inside. 

Shiro went upstairs to get out of his Garrison uniform. Adam pulled me into the living room and hugged me. He smelled like bread.

“Have you been good?” He asked. I started to laugh and I nodded into his shoulder.

“Good enough to get into the Garrison.”

He pulled back and held my shoulders, “I couldn’t believe it when Takashi came home from work and told me he’d met you. He was excited that he was the one who discovered you so I haven’t told him about that night. He doesn’t remember it.”

“That’s fine. I’m just glad you didn’t forget me.” 

“Oh, never. I was always worried about you. Are you staying at a home now?”

I told Adam about Ruby and then the dozens of other families after that. The only details I spared were the gory ones. He nodded and occasionally added a little comment. 

“Now I’m staying with my uncle.” 

He knocked our knees together gently as if to encourage me on.

“He’s… alright. Traditional, I guess.” There were no nice parts of staying with Roger. I had nothing to say. But by this time Shiro was back and talking the Garrison.

They had pasta for dinner at the same circular table I had breakfast at years ago. Shiro was concerned when I turned down a serving but Adam whispered to him to stop being rude. Adam poked at his food as he listened to Shiro and me talk. He wanted me to know all the Garrison tips and tricks, like how Professor Montgomery didn’t mind if homework was handed in late and to avoid the busy third floor. Adam scolded him when he got sauce on the side of his mouth and pulled a white handkerchief out from his pocket. I remember that swift movement, it was like magic.

“Congratulations, by the way,” I said later on when it was just Adam and I. He gently turned the gold ring on his finger. I noticed he had nicotine patches on his arms. 

“Thank you. I’m excited about my future with him.” His voice was so soft. 

“Are you going to have a family?”

“Maybe. Takashi wants daughters but I’m not very good with children.” I was taken back by that. Adam was one of the two adults in this world that I felt safe with. I thought he’d make a great father. 

“You should get a dog then. A golden retriever.” He started to laugh and shook his head.

“Come visit me at the Garrison, Keith. My office will always be open to you.”

My life at the Galaxy Garrison was heaven compared to what I experienced with Roger. Kids threw spitballs at my head and, when I didn’t react, they dragged me into the bathrooms and shoved my head into toilets. Most teachers didn’t like me. In my first-ever report card home I was called brooding, unfriendly and intimidating. A group of girls would always trip me up and steal my homework while I was dazed. 

Shiro started to patrol the hallways to make sure I wasn’t getting in trouble. He was like my bodyguard. He let me come into the staff room at lunch because he knew people liked throwing food at me. Every day he would bring an extra sandwich for me but I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want Roger finding out. 

In Adam’s aviation class, he always slipped me squares of chocolate. I stayed behind after class one day and asked him to stop. He frowned.

“Why don’t you eat, Keith?” He asked very slowly. 

I always liked the way he talked to me. He gave me time to think. I stood for a few moments before saying, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Adam nodded and then reached underneath his binder. He pulled out a bar of chocolate and handed it to me. I gripped it tightly.

“Have the rest. You deserve something nice.”

I wept as I wolfed the chocolate down later that night. 

Adam was good at making me feel things. His joy was contagious. One weekend the three of us drove out to their countryside cottage. It was surrounded by woodlands and fields, perfect for us to run around in. I remember Shiro sat me on his shoulders and raced around the field. At first, I was terrified and screamed at him to let me down, but I saw how Adam laughed. I joined in and put my arms out like the wings of an aeroplane. 

That was a good day. We stayed outside until dusk and all that remained of our picnic was crumbs. Shiro and I ran around like little kids, playing hide and seek and kick the can. I think it was the most fun I’ve ever had. I’d never had the chance to play in any of my foster homes. I couldn’t even imagine Roger wanting to play.

Adam sat on the quilted picnic blanket and watched us with a soft look in his eyes. As the sun began to set, my tiredness caught up on me and sat down with him. He had his legs pulled up to his chest and his cheek on his knees. He reached out and wiped dried dirt from my face.

“Mucky pup.” He tutted, “What’s on your mind?”

I decided to tell him everything. How Roger never fed me, how he’d hit me and make me stand on the very tips of my toes with shards of glass sinisterly waiting underneath my heels. He grabbed me by my hair and ripped chunks out when he was angry. He hit me with a bible once, his thickest and heaviest copy of the Old Testament. When he was especially angry, he would drag me to the study and toss me into the empty hollow in the wall where there was once a fireplace. Roger nailed a wooden board over the opening, shutting me in for days on end. That was a rare form of punishment because I would cry so loudly it became unbearable for him. 

Adam nodded as I spoke. When I was finished, he took off his glasses and wiped his eyes.

“You understand that I have to tell your social worker this, don’t you?” He asked very quietly.

“Yes,” I said. 

That night in the cottage guest bedroom, I realised that no one in the entire world cared for me as much as Adam did. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

The next year of my life passed quickly. Roger was sentenced to two years in prison for child abuse and I started living at the Garrison full time. I spent my summer vacation with Adam and Shiro. I gained a few pounds. Things were finally looking up.

Then the Kerberos tragedy happened. I lost Shiro.

I knew the mission would be dangerous but I encouraged him to go. I knew Adam was against it but I urged him on. Three weeks after they landed on Kerberos, when I was in Professor Montgomery’s biology class, the solemn news was announced. We were all shocked when we heard it over the tannoy system. Lots of girls started to cry and everyone rushed out of the classroom, including Professor Montgomery. I stayed in my seat. I stayed there for a very long time.

It was Adam who found me. His knees cracked as he knelt next to me. 

“Hey, let’s go home.” He whispered.

I punched him in the face.

I punched him so hard that one of his glasses lenses shattered and a million tiny shards attacked his eyeball. He cupped the injured eye with his hands but it couldn’t stop blood from spilling out and dripping onto his trousers.

“Keith.” He sounded like he was going to cry, “We need to get you help. You’re not okay.”

I stared at my bloodied hand. It looked like my uncle’s fist after he was done beating me. Poor Adam’s lips were quivering. I was no better than Roger.

I left the Galaxy Garrison that day. Adam stayed kneeling in the biology classroom as I raced out. I made a quick trip to my dorm to pick up my knife, my father’s old jacket and _Lord of the Flies_. I broke into Shiro’s locker, stole the keys to his hoverbike and rode out to the desert. I screamed the entire time. I screamed to the stars, telling them I was a villain and I was wicked and I deserved to go to Hell.

I was never a good Christian but I tried my best after that. I found a little shack in the middle of nowhere and the first thing I did was pray for forgiveness. 

_Oh loving and kind God, have mercy. Have pity upon me and take away the awful stain of my transgressions. Oh, wash me, cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. For I admit my shameful deed- it haunts me day and night. It is against you and you alone I sinned and did this terrible thing. You saw it all, and your sentence against me is just. Create in me a new, clean heart, Oh God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires. Don't toss me aside, banished forever from your presence. Don't take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you._

_Help me, God my saviour, for the glory of Your name- deliver me and forgive me for my sins for Your name’s sake. Lord, I pray that You remove my guilt and wipe away my sins so that I can draw closer to You. With You there is forgiveness so that I can, with reverence, serve You. I praise You for forgiving me for my sins even though I do not deserve it! Thank You for loving me unconditionally._

_Dear God, I’m really really sorry. Forgive me. I’m a fifteen-year-old idiot._

I felt like Adam deserved my apology more than Jesus did but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the Garrison. I stayed in my little shack and I read _Lord of the Flies_ cover to cover eight times. It was a lonely life. I deserved it.

At night, I went outside and looked up at the starry sky. Shiro’s body was out there, floating aimlessly. My mind drifted to that image a lot. In space, bodies don’t rot. They freeze or are naturally mummified. I hoped Shiro’s body would be recovered and he would be given a proper burial. A ceremony with flags and music and everyone crying. He deserved something big. I looked up at the stars and apologised to Shiro too.

In the desert there was no need to speak and I only ever prayed in my head so, to exercise my vocal cords, sometimes I would stand at the top of the dunes and scream. It felt good. When a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it even make a noise? That’s how it was for me. I could scream, do cartwheels, say all the swearwords I knew and no one was around to witness it. Maybe God, but I thought He had more important people to watch. Watching lunatic Garrison dropouts probably wasn’t the best entertainment.

One time I hit a mountain lion with my hoverbike. I took it back to my shack, boiled it and ate it all. I imagined Roger’s face as he ate. I saw his mouth, sloppily chewing on all the fine meats I was never allowed to try. Mountain lions taste awful but I kept on eating. By the time my plate was cleared, my stomach was bulging. I laid back on my shabby couch, staring through the hole in the ceiling to look at the shimmering stars. I vomited and got it all over me but I laughed and laughed until I cried. 

Without Shiro to keep me straight, I did a lot of stupid things. Stealing vulture eggs and making fireworks was fun but my happiness wore out quickly. When the darkness came, so did my sadness. I wish it stayed daytime forever. 

One early morning, I found a lady leg shaver half-buried in the sand and I decided that I would use the razor to kill myself. I considered using my old knife to do the job but I didn’t want to ruin its beauty. The razor appeared at just the right moment. I wasn’t doing much with my life and, although I was taught that my body belonged to God, I couldn’t imagine that my future was very promising. Suicide was a one-way ticket to Hell but I deserved to go there. Adam’s bloody face haunted me day and night. 

I sat on the couch staring up at the stars for a long time before doing the wicked deed. I thought about Shiro. There was no doubt that he was in Heaven, along with my father. Oh, my father. I knew he’d be so angry if he knew what I was about to do. 

The blade was tightly encased in the razor with pink plastic. I pawed at the plastic and tried to unwind the little screws but my fingers were too clumsy and tears blurred my vision. I tried so hard to get it out. In the end, I threw the razor against the ground and stamped on it a million times. Still, the blade was trapped. I sat back on the couch and let my head fall back. I blindly felt around for my knife and brought it close to my face for inspection. It was so beautiful. I hated to make it dirty. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

It was Adam who found me. I woke up from a deep sleep and there he was, bandaging my arms. I jumped out of my skin and fell off the couch and onto the floor. Adam. I hadn’t seen him in over a year. 

“Hey, hey, calm down.” He said. He reached out to me but I slapped his hand away. 

“No.” I gasped. I was supposed to be dead. Was this Hell? Adam’s left eye was covered by a beige patch. I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Oh, you’re going blue. Breathe for me, Keith. You need to breathe.” He started to do some stupid breathing exercise. In for four and out for five. I got up on my shaky legs and grabbed a bucket. I threw up in it. It got in my hair.

“Adam,” I said. My head felt so heavy, “Banished from Eden. Is God really so forgiving? I’ve prayed and prayed for forgiveness and it’s still eating me alive what I did to you.”

Adam carefully sat me down on the couch and pushed my hair back. He didn’t even flinch when he touched the vomit.

“I’m not religious,” he began, “so I can’t tell you God forgives, but I’m not angry at you. About my eye. You were in shock, it wasn’t your fault.” 

I looked at his eyepatch and felt my face screw up the way it always does when I start to cry. I hurt him.

“Can you even see out of it anymore?”

“No.”

I let out a deep breath and put my head in my hands. I ruined his life. I threw one wrong punch and ruined his life.

“I think I need the bucket back.” 

I threw up some more but this time with Adam holding my hair back. He took me outside to the tin bathtub and filled it up with water from the hose. It was like I was a kid again, with him rescuing me from the desert and taking care of me. Mucky puppy.

He scrubbed me clean and wrestled with my matted hair. In the end, he got a pair of scissors and cut it all off. I didn’t mind. Adam had brought a large wicker basket with him and pulled two sandwiches from it. That was our late lunch.

“You’re eating better.” He commented. He sounded impressed. When I told him about the mountain lion, he choked on his sandwich and laughed until there were tears in his eyes.

When the sun started to set, Adam made me stand back as he brushed crumbs off the couch. From his basket, he brought out two blankets. The first went down to cover the couch, then I was laid on top of it as instructed, and the second went over me. I was reminded of the night I spent at Adam and Shiro’s house and how cosy the double-couch bed was. Although the lumpy springs in my couch poked at my back, I felt a similar peace now that I felt back then. Maybe it was because Adam was here.

“I’m going to visit every Sunday.” He said decisively, “We can stay here or I’ll drive you into town, take you to church or whatever you want .” 

I looked up at him. He was perched on the edge of the couch arm. 

“Do you really forgive me?” I asked.

“Yes, Puppy. Now go to sleep. In the morning we’ll have yoghurt for breakfast. Sweet dreams.”

In the morning we had yoghurt and then he was gone, his big car’s wheels churning up the desert sand. I watched him from the window. 

It felt good to know that Adam forgave me. I didn’t care about God much anymore.

Later on, I found that Adam had left a note on my table. It was a pre-planned to-do list with all the basic habits I should’ve already had. Washing, stretches, brushing my teeth. I pinned it to the wall and looked at it every day. I had to take care of myself or else I’d be disappointing Adam. I never wanted to let him down. 

True to his word, Adam would visit me every Sunday. Sometimes he would stay at my shack, sometimes we would explore. I took him to the town I used to live in with my father. We went to the church and watched the congregation through the stained glass windows. I didn’t want to go inside. I showed him all the desert landmarks like the place I killed the mountain lion and the sunset cliff. We sat on that cliff for hours, Adam with a wistful look on his face, and watched the sun dip below the horizon. Up there was the best spot to see it. 

“Do you feel it?” He asked me one time. 

“Feel what?” I said.

Adam brought a pack of cigarettes out from his pocket and lit one. I’d noticed he’d ditched the nicotine patches. He warned me, “Don’t do this, Keith, it’s very naughty.” Then he explained. 

“There’s always some kind of… calling to be in this desert. Like a pull in my chest. Something is reaching out to me. Close your eyes and focus. Do you feel it?”

I shut my eyes. I could hear the gentle blow of the wind and smelled Adam’s cigarette. I pushed them aside and tried to feel the pull. I waited and I waited but nothing happened. When I opened my eyes, Adam was looking at me expectantly.

“No, I don’t feel it.” 

He frowned and took a drag of his cigarette, “Ah, maybe it’s just because I love you so much. I get excited to visit you each week.”

“You love me?” 

“Of course, Puppy.” Adam linked our arms together, “Do you remember a few years ago I told you I was unsure about having children?”

“Yes, it made me sad.”

“I only said that because I already saw you as my kid. That first night, I wanted you to stay. I knew it would be unfair for me to split my attention between you and Takashi, though.”

I blinked. Adam wanted me. 

“I love you too,” I said. 

It was the first time I’d told anyone I loved them since my father was alive. It was also the last time I saw Adam live.

It turns out the pull Adam felt was not from me, it was from a robot hidden in the mountains. The Blue Lion of Voltron. It broke my heart when I came to this realisation but I had no time to be sad. The robot took me and four other people to outer space, where we met two aliens and… well, you know the story. Everyone does.

One of these four was Takashi Shirogane, my best friend. We were all told he’d died on the Kerberos mission, but he was abducted by aliens. He spent a year enslaved as a gladiator. One night, he had a nightmare about it. I sat with him all night as he tearfully told me about how horrible it was to be a gladiator. He took off his shirt and showed me his scars.

“I’m so ugly, Keith. Look at me.” He wept, “Adam’s going to be so upset.”

I looked at his scars. They were all over his chest and back. I pulled off my shirt and said, “It’s okay, we match now.”

I didn’t mean to make Shiro cry more, but he did. We sat on his bed in the Castle of Lions and shared stories about our scars. 

“This one’s from when I cut my hair.” Shiro pushed part of his hair aside and showed me a pink line on the side of his head, “My cellmate suddenly pounced on me and I cut myself by accident.”

I showed him my right ear, “One time my foster mother wanted to cut my hair. I didn’t want it so I writhed and wiggled so much all the other kids had to hold me down. I only stopped when she cut my earlobe.” 

He put his head on my shoulder and sighed, “Oh, Keith. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. You must’ve felt so alone when I was gone.” 

Shiro never found out about my relationship with Adam. I knew he’d be over the moon to know we were close, but I wanted to keep those memories for myself. I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. I’m glad Adam found me. 

I remember there was one time I almost killed myself in space. I don’t know if I was trying to sacrifice myself or commit suicide. There’s a difference. I was so close to ramming my fighter jet into that shield, I would’ve done it if Prince Lotor hadn’t intervened. I was so shaken afterwards. I didn’t know what to do with myself once I was back on the Castle of Lions. But I knew what Adam would do with me.

“Mucky puppy,” I mumbled as I sank into the warm bath. I talked to myself all night, saying praise and pretending it was coming from Adam. I wore my paladin pyjamas for the first time and tucked myself into bed. Adam always sat and talked with me before I fell asleep. I felt so lonely at night.

“I’m going to be okay.” I said to the imaginary Adam in my mind, “I’m going to take care of myself as you asked. And when we get home… let’s go back to your cottage and play planes with Shiro.”

There wasn’t much time for playing planes during the war. I missed being a kid. Adam let me be a kid.

We filmed a video to send to the Galaxy Garrison on Earth. It was for Adam. I filmed Shiro and he apologised about a hundred times and then spent 10 minutes gushing about weddings. When I sat in front of the camera, I couldn’t think of anything to say. I sat for a few moments, puzzled, and then said, “That’s me.”

I hoped that Adam would appreciate just seeing my face. I wondered if he still smoked or went back to the nicotine patches. Did he go out to the desert a lot? I hoped he missed me and would be there to welcome me home. I hoped he got a dog.

I didn’t immediately look for Adam when we returned to Earth. I stood back and watched my team reunite with their families. I looked over to Shiro. His eyebrows were pulled together in confusion as he scanned the crowd of people before us. I knew who he was looking for. Adam was not there.

I stayed in the Galaxy Garrison for the rest of the day. I went to Professor Montgomery’s biology class where I first heard the news about the Kerberos disaster and punched Adam. I stood outside my old dorm, now belonging to another cadet, and thought about how quick I was to flee the Garrison. Then I went to the roof and stayed there to watch the sunset.

The sun had just disappeared when Shiro found me. He sat beside me and let out a shaky sigh. In his hands, there was a thin grey tablet. 

“Adam…” He said after a long silence, “He didn’t make it.” 

I didn’t punch Shiro. I didn’t blink, I didn’t breathe or move or do anything. I kept my eyes trained on the horizon. Adam was dead.

“When the Galra first attacked, his flight squadron was sent out by Admiral Sanda. They didn’t know what they were up against.” Shiro’s voice wobbled as he spoke. He started to cry, “They tried hard, Keith. Adam was the last one left. He tried really, really hard.” 

Adam was dead.

He shook the little tablet in his hand and passed it to me. In the very centre of it, there was a thin button. I pressed it. 

The tablet started to play some crackly audio. I recognised Adam’s grunts and yells. It sounded like he was in a fighter jet, barking out orders to his squadron. It sounded like his team were being picked off quickly by the enemy. My heart pounded in my chest, louder than the audio, when I heard something approach Adam’s fighter jet. He gasped and said, “Takashi, t-take care of my puppy.” 

And then there was the almighty roar of fire. Adam’s fighter jet was engulfed by flames. Shiro took the tablet back from me and pressed the button. The audio stopped. Adam was dead.

“I don’t understand what he meant. He didn’t have a dog. Why is that the last thing he wanted to tell me?”

Shiro sounded angry. I couldn’t tell him that Adam was referring to me, his mucky puppy. The orphan kid he secretly looked out for. I looked at the horizon. I felt so hopeless. Adam was dead.

“Does he have a gravestone?” I asked.

“There’s a memorial. I’ll take you.” 

When I found out about the Kerberos disaster, my emotions overwhelmed me. I thought my head would explode with all the thoughts racing through my mind. It was like a wild sandstorm in my soul. But with Adam, everything went quiet in my mind. The dust settled. 

At the memorial, I stood staring at Adam’s photo. It was a formal Garrison one. I wished they’d used a prettier one. We took a photo the day we went to their cottage. The three of us on the picnic blanket, smiling. Adam and Shiro were holding hands in it. When we took the photo, I smiled as big as I could so I could look back at it and understand the immense joy I felt. It split my bottom lip down the middle and Adam gave me a handkerchief to catch the blood. 

Shiro pressed against the memorial photo and it swiftly popped out from the wall. He pulled it open like a drawer. There was a glass top on the drawer. Inside were Adam’s ashes. 

Shiro explained to me that Adam died of his injuries alone in the desert, he was probably too delirious to feel pain, he babbled nonsense until he died. He was cremated wearing his favourite big jumper and with wildflowers clasped in his hands. 

I stared at the ashes, feeling quite empty inside, and was reminded by something my father told me a very long time ago. _For dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Adam was made from dust, he dies and returns to the dust_. I remembered how magnificent he looked as the sand parted for him all those years ago. Adam from the dust. 


End file.
